The Bug
By Gumnut
1 Sep 2003

“Carter, what is that?”

“That is a bug, sir.”

“What?”

“A bug, sir.”

“What, no mind-bending English-breaking Latin word?”

“No, Colonel, it is an alien life form, I doubt it has been classified yet.”

“So it doesn’t have a name?”

“I don’t think so, sir.”

“So what do you think it might be?”

“Well, it looks insectoid…”

“Nuh, can’t be an insect.”

“Colonel?”

“It can’t be an insect, it’s got seven legs. All insects have six legs.”

“They do?”

“What, you didn’t know that?”

“No.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“Colonel, I’m an astrophysicist, not a zoologist.”

“I learnt that in high school.”

“I must’ve been sick that day…so what do YOU think it is?”

“Well, it can’t be arachnoid, not enough legs, but definitely some sort of arthropod…why are you looking at me like that? What?”

“Umm, I guess I never thought you’d be interested in entomology.”

“What?”

“The study of bugs.”

“Oh, I’m not…not really. It’s just when you’re out in the desert or jungle, know thy enemy can become know thy bugs.”
“Oh.”

“Anyway, this bug needs a name.”

“Why?”

“’Cause I’m bored, that’s why. Sitting around here while Daniel plays with his rocks.”

“He won’t be long now, he’s nearly finished.”

“Okay, how about ‘Fido’…Don’t look at me like that…you’re always looking at me like that.”

“You don’t like me looking at you?”

“Er, no it’s not that…umm, how about Carteritis?”

“Sounds like a disease,…sir.”

“Aah! I’ve got it…I dub thee…Oneillasaurus.”

“Hmmckph.”

“What? I think it’s a good name.”

“Anything you say, sir.”

“It comes from a line of excellent names.”

“Sir.”

“From Sean O’Neill the warrior, to Eugene O’Neill the playwright, and, of course, that swimwear guy.”

“Um, sir.”

“Oh, mustn’t forget that lighthouse guy.”

“Sir!”

“Wha-“

“It’s crawling up your leg, sir.”

“Ack, get it off!…Get off me you – ack! God damn it, it bit me!”

“Hold still, sir.”

“Is it off me? Is it gone?”

“Yes, sir. Let me see that.”

“Carter…um…I don’t…”

“Colonel?! Colonel!…Daniel! Teal’c! Get back here now!”

**********

“Jack? Jack, come on, it’s time to wake up now.”

“Wha?”

“You’re in the infirmary, everyone’s okay. Do you remember what happened?”

“Uh, Daniel…um, bug bit me.”

“According to Sam, you were bit by an Oneillasaurus.”

“Ha, ha, funny, Daniel. Do you have anything I could drink around here?”

“Here. I’m not kidding, Jack. You were bitten by Eurycnema oneillasaurus. They had to name it. But you were wrong it was an insect. A type of stick insect actually. That seventh leg was what it bit you with.”

“You never fail to rub it in do you, Daniel.”

“Not with a chance like this, Jack.”

“Where’s Carter?”

“Right next to you.”

“What?”

“She got bitten, too.”

“She okay?”

“She will be. She was bitten sometime after you were and it takes awhile for the anti-venom to work.”

“Anti-venom?”

“Yep. Janet outshone herself this time. I timed her – thirty-two minutes from diagnosis to cure. You are really pushing up her average.

“You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“What gave you that idea? No, seriously, Jack, we were worried, but Janet fixed it and you’ll both be fine.”

“How’d Carter get bitten?”

“There was another one in your pants.”

“What?”

“She got bitten pulling your pants off while attempting first aid.”

“Oh.”

“And, ah, Jack, Teal’c and I want you to have this…a trophy of sorts.”

Daniel brought his hand out from behind his back. It was the bug, with a great big, fat, honkin’ needle stuck through it, pinning it to a wooden block. A small inscription on the base said ‘Eurycnema oneillasaurus – He came, he saw, he got bitten. Jack O’Neill, 2004.’

**********
FIN