The Model Builder's Guide for the Real World

By Unknown
Sapmail, August 2001

Editor's Note: I found this on the net, but have managed to lose any clue as to who wrote it. So to whom it may concern, I hope you don't mind and say Thank You.

Webmaster's note: If you are, or know of, the author of this masterpiece, please email me via sapma@gumnut.net as I prefer to give credit where due.

I've decided to synopsize all of the valuable lessons I've learned about building AFVs over the years into the following guide:

PRE ASSEMBLY

(1) Visit local hobby shop with a commitment not to spend entire paycheck. Find inexpensive, yet fun kits. Purchase many of these kits, plus paint, plus photo etch, plus kit that was too expensive, but, you deserve it...blow all of paycheck.

(2) Sneak into house, laden with styrene and resin. Promise dogs that if they do not call attention to you while you are scurrying about, you will give them special treats--or at least not drop them off at the pound. Tell wife you love her very much.

(3) Open kits and marvel at the detail. Open plastic shrink wrap to examine in depth. Drop small parts onto carpet, where they will be lost forever. Curse manufacturer, yell at dogs who are now chewing on your cupola hatch. Figure out display angle so that tooth marks are not visible to human eye. Forgive dogs, for they know not what they do.

ASSEMBLY

(4) Change Xacto blade and begin construction. Run out of cement at critical period. Curse small cement tubes. Squeeze hard and drop enormous blob of cement onto detailed piece. Stew and simmer.

(5) Become increasingly angry at ambiguous instructions. Great, so they can translate into German, Spanish, and Slovenian, but they can't sketch a picture of a turret for %&^$%! Decide to paste parts as you wish, reminding yourself that in the field, why, virtually anything goes. E-mail TL newsgroups and find out that isn't the case. Chase dog who now has instructions in mouth and is slowly ripping them to shreds. Take Prozac.

(6) Continue assembly until you arrive at something that looks halfway between an actual AFV and a snowmobile. Pat self on back for arduous work, believing that you are the next Verlinden.

PAINTING

(7) Spray primer. Ensure that you are able to streak the patio in various shades of grey, olive, and Dunkelgelb.

(8) Spray topcoat. Run out of topcoat. Cry. Try alternatives. After all, if an SAS vehicle can be pink, why can't a Panther G be painted purple? After all, anything goes in the field, right?

(9) Inhale aerosols and paint as you continue application. Walk through closed sliding glass door. Visit hospital.

WEATHERING

(10) Retrieve photos of AFV from Internet. Realize your printer is black and white.

(11) Gather pastels and oils. Spill thinned mixture on white carpet. Have dog sit on stain to accept responsibility later.

(12) Weather vehicle until it looks as though it fell into a septic tank. Curse vehicles, paint, armies, etc. Return to Step 7.

(13) Once weathering has been completed, leave model to dry overnight. Realize that oils have transformed somehow and that the dull coat has turned everything black. Return to Step 7.

(14) Once weathering has been completed, display and admire model. Log onto TL or ML. Realize that you suck. Return to Step 7.

FIGURES

(15) Assemble and paint figures according to layered method, using oils and enamels. Realize your commander looks more like Bozo the Clown than Erwin Rommel. Attempt to affect corrections. Give figure to dog. Blame Tamiya.

(16) Rationalize that in times of war, most persons would not expose themselves to harm and remain in AFV perpetually.

LAST STEPS

(17) Resolve to spend more time with family and concentrating on career. Return to Step 1.

Happy Modelling!

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